Recently, blogger and stay-at-home-mom-of-two Kristen was
stunned when her post called “Let Your Husband
Love You” went viral. Written as a reminder to herself to “suck up your
pride, your anger, your frustration, and your crazy” at the end of a hectic day
of homemaking and child-wrangling instead of taking it all out on her
well-meaning husband, the piece struck a chord with an enormous number of female
readers. As a husband to another blogger
and stay-at-home-mom-of-two, I think it can serve as a reminder to men as well
– of what our wives need but may not be communicating.
Kristen muses that it isn’t fair to resent and reject her
husband’s compliments and affection after “[h]e’s been away at work all day...
deal[ing] with whatever crap he has to deal with in order to provide for the
family that he loves… Even if the last thing you want is to be touched or to
hear how amazing you look when you feel insecure and disgusting… He does
think you’re pretty,” she reassures. True, and it can be frustrating and
confusing for a husband to feel that his sincere compliments are being
irritably dismissed, even if he understands why.
“[G]uys are weird,” Kristen wrote. “Once they fall in love
with you, there’s nothing you can wear, no amount of weight you can gain, and
no lack of makeup that will make them see you any differently.” As unlikely as
this may seem to many women, she is right about this too. When my wife feels
grungy and unglamorous – which is often, because raising kids is grungy and
unglamorous on a daily basis – she cannot fathom how I can still see her as the
sexy love of my life. But I do. I can’t speak for all husbands, but I suspect
most would agree that if anything, motherhood adds a dimension to a husband’s
love and desire for his wife that we couldn’t have known or appreciated before.
Most of the hundreds of comments Kristen received were supportive,
but some commenters mistakenly assumed she was suggesting that women repress
their feelings, stay at home, be submissive to their husbands, etc. Kristen
felt compelled to follow up with a clarification
50% longer than the original post, in which she proudly announced that her view
of marriage is “antiquated…
because I believe husbands and wives play different, separate roles in marriage
and family” and those roles are based on “mutual respect and love.” That sound
you hear is radical feminist heads exploding all over the country.
Unlike most husbands, I work from home, in close proximity
to my wife Anna and our two daughters (ages 3 and 1). So I am keenly aware of
how much she does and endures to keep this family going. My sporadic help eases
only a fraction of the workload she handles. I’m not suggesting that husbands
who work outside the home are oblivious to this or take their wives for
granted, only that I witness it firsthand – all day (and night), every day.
Husbands of stay-at-home moms, remember – when you come home
from work, whether she takes out her frustration on you or takes Kristen’s advice and bravely sucks it up, either way you’re
not seeing the whole picture. Either way, remind yourself of what your wife
deals with at home every day (and on into the night, after your work shift is
over). Remind yourself that the compliments and affection are not enough.
If your wife is letting you love her, repay her by letting her do something as well. Let her talk to you about her day, problems and
all – without offering to fix them.
That latter part is almost genetically impossible for men, but that’s where we have to suck it up and hold our tongue. Listen, and then ask what you can do to help take the pressure off. This will mean more to her than any
compliment (but don’t slack off on the compliments either – hey, nobody said
successful relationships come easily).
Kristen’s post is directed
more at women in “antiquated” relationships like her own (and mine), but the
advice goes for less conventional couples as well: by all means, let your
partner love you, and then let your partner help you.
(This article originally appeared here on Acculturated, 2/13/14)
